Last week, I began another 8-week small group challenge, which even through some technical glitches, has been so inspiring already!! I love working with people who commit to honoring their true potential, and are ready and willing to delve deep into self-discovery!!
There are challenges, of course. But recognizing the challenges opens the doorway to discovery even more! Recently, I heard from a woman in one of my workshops who said she felt a bit “sabotaged” by her husband. She said, “He knows I’m trying to make changes, but he doesn’t care!! He constantly makes jokes about my efforts, and then when I tell him I need support, he does a complete 180 – he watches over my every move and corrects me if he thinks I’m messing up. It’s so frustrating, I just drop everything!” Since her husband was not present, it would not be fair to continue focusing on him. So, we began a dialogue about her part.
The thing is, in our lives, we’re surrounded by all kinds of people. And we all carry with us our own set of unique perspectives based on the unique experiences we all have in the world. For example, five of us may look at the same tree, and each see something completely different when we look at it. Ten of us may walk into the same convenience store, and each have a different experience with the man behind the counter. Basically, what is within us is reflected out, and that reflection impacts everything, especially the way we communicate with others. When communications go awry, or we feel completely, totally, utterly unsupported, all of our good intentions can go south. I get it. We’ve all been there at one time or another. We retreat. We cocoon. We feel alone. We give up.
So, if other people are involved, what work can we do on ourselves to create a healthy support system? Here are a few ideas:
1) Take ownership of your part. It takes two to tango, right? Just knowing that helps us to realize if support boundaries are continually being crossed, you have allowed it to happen by not using your voice. Self-discovery is anything but selfish, because by doing the work, it impacts every connection we have, every relationship, every experience. And, we can’t put the responsibility of doing the work on other people. We all have something to learn, always. Communication can be difficult, but it’s necessary that your voice be heard. So, when you feel someone sabotaging your efforts, rather than jump to conclusions or go on the defensive, clear your mind, open up your heart, and communicate – sharing our vulnerabilities with loved ones can connect us on a deeper level.
2) Define what support means. The people in our lives aren’t mind readers. For example, if you tell your supporters you want to release weight, they may think that being “food police” is being helpful to you. When really, you don’t like it. Or, if you let them know you are unhappy with your job, they may hand you every “want ad”. Rather than feeling supported, the gesture may actually make you feel worse! You have to define what real support means to you and communicate that with your loved ones, so the people in your life know how to support you best.
3) Flip your focus. If you are complaining about your life or situation, the people in your life may feel it’s an open door to complain about it right along with you. We all have flaws, but when we fixate on them, it signals others to do the same. For example, nobody may notice you have pimple on your chin, until your point it out. If you’re mad at a decision you made, and you fixate on your mistake, your loved ones may feel they have no choice but to shake their finger at you. Instead of venting that you butt looks big all the time to your mom, focus on things that make your happy and light you up, so she doesn’t fixate on your flaws too. You get the drift.
4) Look at intent over content. Realize that people in your life love you and care for you. And when you know that their intentions are generally good, you can focus on the intent over the delivery or content. By doing this, you’ll be less frustrated with the people who love you and instead, you’ll feel gratitude for their efforts, and you can focus on taking the actions necessary to achieve your goals.
By the way, I go into much more detail about all of this in my programs and my book, including how to create and add-in an effective support team on pages 175-179, with helpful hints and discovery tools throughout {http://www.jennifertumayoung.net/purpose/our-mission/}. And, if you purchase a copy of my balance book this week, just send me an email, and I will send you some more fun, free bonus materials 😉
Enjoy this beautiful day!
Warmly,
Jenn
{or as my family calls me Jennie, or if you like to be formal Jennifer, I answer to just about anything…}
